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An anonymous reader recently asked me for tips on performing cunnilingus. In my eagerness to respond, my oversized thumbs fumbled across my delicate iPhone keyboard, and I deleted the message. To atone for my clumsiness, I’m writing this post.
I assume the reader was a fellow Dom, so I’m writing from that perspective. I also assume the Dom is a man, but allow me to disclaim: I love the gays, the breeders, the bisexuals, the transexuals, the transgenders, and all forms of lovers, as long as they’re consenting adults. However, for the purposes of this article, I’m going to simplify by using male Dom/female sub. If that’s not you, feel free to translate.
First of all, there is an abhorrent misconception circulating in our community that a Dom should not go down on his sub because it somehow diminishes his power. This is flat fucking ridiculous. A submissive’s pussy is a control panel hard-wired directly into her central nervous system; if you don’t use it, you’re an idiot. Then again, I’m heavily biased. girl’s pussy is like an exotic fruit, and I can’t get enough. Sometimes I forget who I am when I’m down there. It’s like the bermuda triangle – one day I may go down and never come back. But I digress.
For the sake of Doms out there that may need a little guidance in the oral sex department, and as a service to all the subs that aren’t being properly owned and controlled, I’m going to issue some general principles on cunnilingus, D/s style.
1. Don’t go stampeding toward the clitoris!
Make out with her for a while. A long while. When she starts getting all squirmy, that’s when shethinks she’s ready. She’s not. Just because she wants something doesn’t mean it’s time yet. She’s eager. She wants pleasure. You’re going to make her wait. So, when she starts to squirm, modify the make out. Alter your kissing so it’s a tease of what’s to come. One long, slow lick, and a few gentle short ones. Imagine that little apple at the point of her lips is her clitoris. When she finally gets the analogy, she’ll get REALLY squirmy.
2. Use your hands (and your words)
Start touching her. Neck, collarbone, breasts, nipples. Apply appropriate pressure. If you pinch, do so lightly. Go out of order. Keep her guessing. You’ll know you’re doing it right when she gets goosebumps. Make your way south at about a quarter the speed that feels natural; for girls, foreplay is about anticipation. Anticipation=precipitation. Start whispering. Tell her what’s about to happen. One of my favorites:
“I’m very, very thirsty. So I’m going to wait until you’re very, very wet, and then I’m going to take what’s mine.”
or, the classic:
“I’m going to lick your pussy right now.”
Now, reach down and gently stroke outside her panties. If you feel moisture, you’re doing it right. If you’re not, continue a combination of steps one and two – and take it slow.
3. Make her ask for it
Most of the time during D/s sex, you just need to take action, to use your girl the way you want. Part of the thrill of submission for some girls is that they don’t have to take responsibility for the fulfillment of their fantasies – the big mean Dom is “forcing” them into it, so how can they be ashamed? So, if your girl is shy about receiving oral sex, feel free to skip this part. But probably, she’s not.
Don’t just go down on her as a gift – she’s your property. Make her ask for it. Make her beg for it, really. Oral sex should be the ultimate pleasure for your submissive – but it’s not all about reward for her. You’re going to get something for giving her that pleasure -more control. More submission.
Oral sex is a perfect opportunity for you to powerfully reinforce your Dominance. You know the old story about Pavlov’s dogs? Each day, Pavlov would ring a bell and then feed his dogs. Eventually, all he would have to do is ring the bell, and the dogs would salivate. The point here is that the dog’s bodies betrayed them – they began to associate the bell directly with the involuntary behavior of salivating, even when no food was present.
In the case of submissives and oral sex, the desired behavior is begging, and the “bell” is you prompting her to beg. In our example, oral sex is the food she craves. So, by telling your sub to beg, and then having her beg, and then producing mind-blowing orgasms, you’re training your sub to associate begging and obeying with amazing, orgasmic pleasure – even when that pleasure isn’t present! You heard me. After a while, the act of begging itself will light her up as though she’s just had (or is about to have) an amazing orgasm. This, my fellow Doms, is the very essence of control – when you can short circuit your submissive’s conscious thought and force her body to respond to your commands. This is the loophole in the mutual consent crucial to any D/s relationship. Sure, your submissive has given her consent for you to do these things to her – but she has no defense once you’ve possessed her mind in this way. This isn’t crazy Svengali make-believe either – it’s classical conditioning, and it’s a staple of behavioral psychology.
So. Make her beg. I suggest asking questions like these, once her panties are soaking and she’s getting very squirmy.
“What do you want, girl?” Make her say it.
“You want me to lick that tight little pussy, don’t you?” Make her beg for it.
“Tell me how bad you want it. Tell me who owns that pussy. Tell me who you belong to.*”
“Tell me who owns this girl.”
Generally speaking, if your girl is capable of answering using entire words, she’s not ready yet. Wait until her responses consist mostly of little squeaks and moans.
4. Get down to it
Part of what you’re expecting from this article are tips on the actual mechanics of performing oral sex – and I’ll offer some. Please be warned, however, that there are very few “magic tips.” Every girl is different – literally. The structure of a girl’s vagina, the thickness of her clitoral hood, the exact location of her g-spot – all of these crucial elements vary from individual to individual. You’re going to have to go on an exploratory mission. So.
Explore with your tongue. Soft, slow licks. Don’t spend too much time (if any) on the outside of the labia majora. One or two strokes with the tongue are plenty. Once you’ve introduced yourself, put the tip of your tongue at the very back of her pussy, near the perineum. Now run it all the way up – applying moderate pressure – until you reach the top: this is where you’ll encounter the clitoris. Hello there. Use this first pass to evaluate how aroused she is. If she’s already very hot, her clit will be engorged and exposed. If she gives a shudder/twitch/yelp when you hit the top of her pussy – that’s a sign she’s very aroused. If not, don’t despair; repeat the introductory stroke from perineum to clit.
Use your hands. Both of them. Again – it varies girl to girl. At this point, I like to reach up and pinch a nipple or two. Maybe a little harder than before, until I get a squeal. I want to cause a little pain; I’m not a sadist, but I need girl to know that I’m in control and that she doesn’t know what I’m going to do. This needs to be a little dangerous for her.
Once her clitoris is engorged and exposed, I start working on it. Sensitivity varies WILDLY from individual to individual. Some girls can barely stand any attention on their clitoris – in which case you’re going to focus on teasing the area around with the tip of your tongue. On the other extreme, if your girl has an ex named Hitachi, you’ll need to apply a lot of pressure. I recommend two techniques at this stage:
The first one I call the circle. Form your tongue into a rigid member and circle the clitoris twice, then bisect it once. Like you’re circling the clock twice, then drawing a line from six to twelve. Vary the angle. Six to twelve, Three to nine, etc. Vary the pressure and duration based on her body’s response. If she pushes her pelvis into your face, apply more pressure. If she backs off or tries to get out of the way, ease up.
The second technique I’ll highlight here is the draw. Perform this by sticking your tongue all the way out. Make contact with the clitoris as far back as you can on your tongue, then draw it upward along the clit until you reach the tip of your tongue. End the move with a strong stroke of pressure from the tip of your tongue. Don’t use this too much – two, maybe three times a session. Leave her wanting more.
Vary these techniques according to how your girl responds. Listen to her moans. Repeat what she likes. Focus on the areas where you get the most response. Then, when she’s really, really wet, it’s time to:
5. Use your fingers
Insert one finger first – I prefer the middle because mine is longer than my other fingers. If you experience dryness or friction, one of two things is happening. Either a.) she’s not aroused enough or b.) she just runs dry – in this case you will want to use a lubricant. (NOT VASELINE EVER) Be careful and talk to your partner. Some girls are allergic to glycerin, others to water-based lubes. Talk to her.
If she is wet, your finger should go in fairly easily. Ease it in anyway. Tease. She wants your finger in her, trust me.
Did I tell you to stop with the tongue? Focus here. Multi-task. You’re still doing draw (minus the finishing move) and circle – although, I’ll be honest, at this point in the game, I’m already on autopilot, so I’m not sure what the fuck I’m doing up in clit-land. A girl once asked me later if I was tracing the alphabet. Really? The greek alphabet maybe. In cursive.
So tongue is still working and now your finger is too. Once you’ve got middle in there, start to bend your finger into the “come here” beckoning gesture. The tip of your finger is going to brush up against the spongey tissue just inside the vagina. If you drew a line from her navel to her clit, you’re now rubbing the part about an inch above her clit. YOU’RE LOOKING FOR THE G-SPOT, gentlemen. Again, there is no standard equipment here. On some girls it’s literally right inside the vagina; on others it’s farther up inside, maybe half way to her navel. You’re going to have to explore (gently) and locate by moans and squirms and grunts. Once you find it, stroke it. Put upward pressure on it. Keep circling and drawing. Insert another finger; now you’re beckoning with both.
She should be responding very actively at this point; you want to get her riding on the edge. For my girl, that means constant pressure on her g-spot with two fingers and drawing very rapidly along her clit, up and down, increasing in speed.
About this time, girl usually starts asking if she can cum, so this is when I like to:
6. Change the rules
Gentlemen, if you don’t have orgasm control over your sub, I strongly suggest you correct that situation. I won’t reiterate my views on the subject in detail here; let’s just say I’m a believer. And, if you’re interested in such control, now is the perfect opportunity to take it.
When a sub is in this state of arousal, she’s very suggestible. I don’t recommend negotiating important terms of your D/s relationship at this point (orgasm control being one exception), but I DO recommend you make little changes. For example; years ago when we first got together, I established a protocol with girl around orgasm control. When she felt herself reaching climax, she would say,
“Does Master want this girl to cum?”
Almost invariably, I would say yes (I really can’t resist girl when she asks nicely) and fireworks would ensue. This worked GREAT for about six years. Recently, I COMPLETELY STOLE the idea of an orgasm mantra from a friend of mine (there’s her anonymous shout-out). I introduced it in the heat of the moment. In other words:
“Does Master want this girl to cum?”
[moan of frustration and disappointment.]
“Does girl want to cum?”
“Yes, Master, please let this girl cum.”
“I have a new rule for you.”
“Yes, Master. Please tell this girl the rule.”
“From now on, when I give you permission to cum, you will recite a mantra until you’re finished cumming. Would you like to know what the mantra is?”
“Yes, please, Master. Please tell this girl.”
“This girl belongs to Master. She is his possession. Say it.”
MOAN of arousal.
“Please, Master, may this girl cum?”
At this point, my technique consists of three things: consistent, high-pressure strokes on the g-spot, high-pressure, fast-pace drawing on the clitoris with my tongue, and humming. Yes, you heard me. I’m humming nice and low, to create a low-frequency vibration. I’ll call this the “Hitachi.” So I’m stroking, drawing, and executing a low-frequency Hitachi. Meanwhile girl is desperately trying to remember, let alone articulate, her mantra. And I feel like the king of the world.
[Advanced sidebar: At this point, I like to reach up and partially restrict girl’s air flow with my free hand right as she’s cumming – but this is DANGEROUS and I do not recommend it for beginners, or even for experts if you’re a new relationship. Breath play is not casual and it is not something you “dabble” in.]
“This girl belongs to… possession… I’mnacum…. Master… this girl… possess…”
Cue the fireworks.
7. Make the ending happy.
I like to keep going until girl gives me two dramatic hip thrusts – that signals she’s had all the sensation she can take. Your girl’s cue will likely be different - you’ll just have to learn it. I like to take girl just past the edge and keep her there for a while. Then, usually, I’ll slide up until my lips are on her ear. I’ll do some basic reinforcement.
“You belong to me, girl, do you understand me?”
“Yes, Ma-” I usually interrupt her response with a slap right on her pussy to 1.) Let her know I’ll decide when she’s had enough sensation and 2.) To remind her that her responses are less important than my control. Of course, if she doesn’t finish the response, I’ll usually say,
“Did I tell you to stop speaking?”
“No Ma-” Thwap. One more slap. The idea here again is confusion and reinforcement. Keep changing the rules. She needs to obey the rules, yes, but really, the rules are whatever you say they are, and she needs to constantly be anticipating your needs.
Once she settles down and the fervor of orgasm is over, I like to do one last round of reinforcement. She’s calm now, out of the throes of ecstasy, and her rational mind is returning. It’s a good time to say things like:
“You’re a very good girl when you cum for your Master.”
“You’re hot when you do what you’re told.”
“I love owning this pussy. You are a very special girl.”
It is natural, correct, and deeply satisfying to have direct control over your submissive’s body. Gentlemen, go forth and get more control over your sub.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some work to do.
(c) 2012 DomWithPen. Tumblr followers have the limited right to reblog without alerting the original text. All other rights reserved.
*WHOM. I know, grammar nazis. I’ve tried using whom, but it’s like Charles Dickens bursts into the room naked, holding a quill, and then I go flaccid. So stick to who.
Sub Drop and Emotions in Committed D/s Relationships
Recently a follower asked about Sub Drop and whether it was possible to experience the effects without actually entering “subspace.” This set me to thinking about the emotional aspects of Sub Drop and how it plays into committed D/s relationships.
Sub Drop is a term used to describe the state of emotional and physical depression a submissive (and sometimes a Dom) can experience after a session. From a physiological standpoint, the intense feeling of euphoria followed by deep melancholy or even depression can be traced to the flood of endorphins released into the brain by the intense stimulation of mind and body during a play session followed by a sudden and rapid drop in those endorphins. The effect can be very much like sudden withdrawal from alcohol or drug dependency and can be very debilitating in extreme instances. While much of what is written about Sub Drop focuses on the physical aspects of BDSM play recovery, the emotional aspects of Sub Drop can be even more intense and potentially long-lasting if not cared for properly.
The sense of malaise and depression stemming from withdrawal from the endorphin spike and other hormones released during play can leave a subs’ body highly imbalanced with all sorts of attendant emotional and psychological ramifications. Some describe the feeling as being relatively mild similar to PMS, a hang over, or having partied too hard the night before with feelings of physical and mental depression lasting for only hours or at most a day or so. Many describe the reaction as just wanting to sleep it off. There are, however, more extreme forms when signs of Drop can be exhibited for weeks after an intense session. These signs can include crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, sadness, depression and anxiety. It is not uncommon to experience guilt or doubt about a session and the nature of what was enjoyed. Importantly, Sub Drop is observed more often in long-term and committed relationships than with casual partners.
Committed relationships tend to have a level of intimacy and even dependency that is not typically present in casual BDSM partners. This intimacy can at times feel threatened by the nature of BDSM play where Dominance, submission, punishment, challenge, and the like can lead to questioning the validity of love and intimacy heretofore enjoyed between the partners. Questions along the lines of “how could he do this to me if he loves me?” are quite natural.
Another reason committed relationships can be fertile ground for Sub Drop is that the level of trust often developed between long-time partners can lead to edgier play where boundaries can be more throughly tested. No matter how strong the trust between partners, feelings of disbelief that something so perverted, kinky or dirty could be enjoyable can lead to self-doubt and guilt. These doubts then lead to fear, sadness, loneliness and questioning why anyone would want to engage in BDSM play in the first place. It doesn’t matter how consensual and desirable the actions were at the time, once the head space or subspace is over, in the postmortem of Sub Drop these questions can bring feelings of sadness, questioning, disbelief and even a feeling of betrayal by their partner. This is all very normal and something that every submissive and Dominant should be keenly aware of and prepared for.
These emotions are not limited solely to periods immediately following play. They can manifest themselves during the course of a scene and a Dom, as the responsible cognizant party, must be alert for any signs that his sub is “falling out” and be prepared to stop and immediately provide appropriate aftercare.
Aftercare is a topic of its own that I will cover in greater detail elsewhere, but one of the most important aspects of aftercare is to encourage a partner to open up and let the emotions out. Bottling up feelings and emotions is likely to only prolong any recovery period and may in fact defer any problems beyond the post-scene period and into the rest of the relationship. A Dominant partner should be immediately warm, embracing, loving, accepting, reassuring, nurturing and encouraging. He should allow the sub to recover at her own pace but keep the lines of communication open. Encourage her to talk about her feelings and reassure her that it is normal to feel this way. Above all, he should let her know how much she is valued, treasured, respected, and perhaps most importantly that she has in no way let her Dom down or displeased him in any way.
Sub Drop aftercare is the time when roles must be completely reversed. A Dom must now return all the energy his sub has so freely given to him in the form of comfort, reassurance and love. Sub Drop is a clear and present sign that the battery has been drained completely and it is the number one job of the Dominant to do everything he can to help recharge that battery to its full and powerful state, no matter how much energy or how long it takes.
Give back everything that has been taken and more. It will be given over and over again in return.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image © LordShroud
A reader just asked about this.